I got a few things I want to talk about first off life fuckin sucks it does for everybody unless you’re born into something that’s fucking just really awesome it fucking sucks for the rest of us struggle and struggle and struggle and fucking whatever else all the time might not even be a physical struggle it might be mental might.
Be monetary by monetary it might be job wise might be with drugs could be a whole laundry list of things but for me it’s.
Been with mental health and my mental health has been really shitty because I got sucked into something I lost my sense of self and lost my just myself along the way that’s really all.
I how I can put it I’ve just lost myself and since then it’s just been I really don’t even know how to describe it it’s not been like I’ve been on autopilot in a way like I I’m here.
But I’m not here if that makes any sense like I can do all my normal things that are due but my mind’s elsewhere it’s been.
Thinking about one situation in particular in that situations been with a girl I was talking to for well today is the 25th of October and we started talking before her birthday which.
Is May 20 May 16th May 21st something along those lines started talking a couple days before that so we talked for shit till just this past Saturday even though I’ve been getting fuck you leave me alone fuck you leave me alone fuck you leave me alone I don’t want you in my life fuck you leave me alone I’ll still been.
Trying and trying and trying trying because been abandoned my.
Life by everybody I get close to somebody and they just fucking buy a motherfucker by halle and when I don’t expect that to happen like shit we talked about it we did I mean there’s a whole laundry list of things that made me think about it and I didn’t know when to leave well enough alone.
Because I got consumed and addicted into trying to find out what the fuck went wrong because I mean it just it went from everything was cool and well and alright and.
Everything that I could think would be alright or what I would constitute is alright to all of a sudden I don’t want to talk I don’t want to talk to you I ain’t talking to nobody but I’ll talk to anybody but you pretty much just that’s how it how it seemed it’s not been the case I’m sure but that’s how it seemed to me and I’m just gonna.
Get the shit off my chest and actually say it instead of just balling it in so I don’t have anybody to talk to just.
Fucking expensive to get help shit I barely have I barely barely get by on my damn own much less be able to afford three four five hundred dollars or fucking bills from a doctor’s office.
To go to the damn crazy doctor put me on some pills make me feel like I’m crazy put me on pills cuz I am crazy but the situation’s will make you fucking crazy man just anything you could fucking think of can make you fucking crazy well this situation has.
Made me crazy you know I’m gonna I’m gonna explain a little bit I’m not gonna go into like super fucking detail or nothing like that with it but I just give you the gist so back to the story I was telling I’ve been talking to this girl for since before her.
Birthday earlier this year everything was good we talked every day just about all day we’d call each other she called me I’d call her with video chat we would but okay sorry for that I had to pause for a moment but back to my story she’s talking a.
Girl for then till here just a week ago I.
Actually said one thing one little tiny thing I wouldn’t say it was Thalia it’s a big ol ball that’s message that’s that’s another time a place but I’m talking to this girl and wasn’t really like talking seriously but it was serious that makes sense and I’m joined go out but while we we tell bulged a bunch of different things about ourselves to each other that.
Sure that neither one of us had opened up and talked about anybody else or very very seldomly wanted to talk to anybody else about it so that gives me a strong connection I mean you know how you just feel like.
You start talking to somebody and you felt.
Them for your forever that’s how I felt it sound still feel like off my fucking cosmic energy is fucked up right now because we had a falling out because I fucking lost my shit well I mean I wouldn’t necessarily say I.
Lost my shit I got really really fucking upset that I got I’ve been saying stone or stood up not stone why I was gonna say something else I’ve been saying stood up but she had other shit happen.
On my birthday that kept her you know let me go ahead again start talking let shit go.
Out start talking to her shit happens on my birthday then I won’t go into that was understandable she had some shit pop up with some family and we had plans on my birthday and all those plans we fuckin we we had.
Days and days and days and it come for us to fall.
Through those plans that she had some pop up she couldn’t come so I got really fucking upset about it I got a I got to go into other details.
Too a couple days before that was a couple days before my birthday she was in a relationship with this.
Guy and been and been a relationship with him for three years and she broke up with him changed her facebook status everything like that from an relationship to single well we already been close like I said we had that fit I had that I’m pretty sure she did too but she’s got she’s got her own issues I’m not gonna go into it all I can’t talk about it because they’re they’re not my issues we’re talking about.
My issues right here so my birthday comes and the shit happens.
And she can’t come so I get really upset about it because that was a big.
Deal to me I mean goddamn she had this is my first video I’m ever gonna put on fucking YouTube weather than like a concert piece of a concert I put it’s an HD video on and I fucking Ben Harper an instant criminals video I even tried to put another Ben Harper video on there but fucking whoever on the publishing rights to it was like naw motherfucker he.
Ain’t getting that shit so I got upset because she didn’t happen on my birthday I’m 32 and I ain’t ever rain shit my mom left when I was fucking 7 they.
Got the board my dad mom got divorced when I was 3 she left I was 7 I ain’t seen or heard from her so there’s one person who leave my dad he never really been there I could see his ass right now he never really been there I mean he has but it was hard at a hard motherfucking life being 6 & 7 years old having to cook your own supper learning how to cook.
Because ain’t nobody at home to help you fucking eat if you don’t know how to cook it you ain’t even just how.
Fucking was he gone to work or whatever worked third shift I was in Thailand for corporate meal and sorry I did I had to deal with a bunch of shit bunch of shit about shit so going through all that shit.
I’ve had it I’ve had pretty rough shit for my life ain’t ever had shit I never really been one to want very much no I have very many.
Needs don’t have everybody wants I just want to be happy I want to be all time or get irritated and snappy it’s um I said something just like what motherfucker what do you.
Want what are you looking at me for fuck what you say my name just the.
Way you said my name has fucking earthed me what and I don’t.
Want to be like that shit fuck no stupid I want to be happy I want to be able to smile got dimples shit goddamn bullshit people live that shit even.
Though I got a fucking fat chin that roll right here every time I put my head down but I’m just gonna be putting I’m just gonna talk some real shit it’s.
Really really all I’ve been wanting to do I’ve been trying and trying and trying like I said I wanted to take this talk on this video about mental health well it’s hard to be able to maintain your mental health when you don’t have insurance or you can’t afford insurance I’m single and got no kids.
And got no family my dad and a few people that I do have like my grandma or my fuckin best friend he’s he’s really he’s the only motherfucker that’s got my back in this world only motherfucker just got my back in this world and I fucking it come down to and I had to take a bullet for him.
The motherfucking heart beat because he’s my dude and.
I know he would do the same for me but back to mental health it’s hard when you can’t get insurance I mean I could but try to.
Go to Obamacare’s healthcare.
Whatever fucking shit is nowadays and it’s gonna take over 60% of my yearly income just for insurance 60% over 60% I’m sorry over 60 fucking percent and that’s a lot of money out of my pocket just for insurance for if.
I want to go to the hospital the one time of year I might have to go to the hospital her the two times a year knuckle motherfucking would the times I had.
I mean literally this this year to the whole year of 2018 I haven’t had to go to the doctor a single time a single time and I’m gonna move the camera for a second because I got my joint I couldn’t do it well it’s it’s this small this is my medication right here.
My medication because I can’t afford to go to.
The doctor because I don’t have shit the doctor.
I can afford to go to which I can’t afford to go to right now cuz I’m a mom I’ve got a shitty ass job and the doctor Hawking before.
To go to it’s like 40 bucks a visit and you got to pay then and that’s that’s just because I’ve been one time already and if.
I hadn’t been it would be fifty bucks I think as would be as some shit like that but other than that the rest of the places around here charge you an arm and a leg just.
They would charge me in one visit what I would make it an entire week at work just for the visit would be able to get no medicine if they give me a shot or something like that at the office it would be more than I’ll be able to afford so I wouldn’t be able to shot any fucking ways so I’m just gonna put.
That out now so I’m pretty much shit out look when it comes to that so I have to have my one option that I can go to but as for mental health that’s what I’m talking about my own mental health I would not be able to even be.
Considered to be seen by a fuckin place matter-of-factly here recently it’s been so bad for me I I hate to say it out loud really but I’ve had suicidal thoughts for.
A while now long time I mean I have have really bad days and then I have our out days and then I have days that it’s not even I thought sometimes some as a rare days rare rare rare days and it’s bad when the only way that you really could get help is mental help is going to those places because you could call like across the slot or you don’t necessarily calling cross climate it’s called suicide.
Prevention hotline or anything like that it’ll send the police to your house they’re gonna make a big stink about it maybe won’t put.
You fucking in a crazy crazy crazy house or something I don’t fucking know what they want to do nowadays I thought about getting myself committed but I haven’t done it because I’m like no that just looks bad looks bad on makes me feel like it looks.
Bad on yourself to be put in one of those places like damn yeah I’ve been to the crazy house not necessarily that it’s a.
Bad thing because they do what they’re supposed to do they’re supposed to help you out of a.
Place but I know several people that’s been there didn’t know it just masks certain situations so I’m pretty much shit outlook so what I’ve done I broke down try to rot try creative outlets.
To try to help get some of my emotions out get the shit out of my head it’s a constant war it’s a constant battle all the time day in and day out it doesn’t stop it’s constantly I mean it’s it’s.
Himself to go to sleep different things like of that nature I mean I if I didn’t force myself to go to sleep I wouldn’t want to go to sleep I’m not that I don’t want to go.
Sleep it’s just my wouldn’t my body would wouldn’t let me because there’s it’s always sites always going.
Always always going and it’s why I smoke weed mainly that and having an appetite if I didn’t smoke weed I wouldn’t have an appetite at all I wouldn’t eat.
Hardly anything I’m sad to say oh I mean I’m not really bad but I’m fat you can’t see me but I’m fat and if I didn’t smoke weed wouldn’t he shit I lost 120 pounds in a year because soft I worked in food and I saw food all the time.
And I just lost my appetite fully like like just I go to two days three days without eating and I have to smoke I’d smoke.
A little bit that would help me out plus it would help with my mental health that’s one of the main reasons why I still.